Speak Gently!...lessons learned in life.

Speak gently! It is better far

To rule by love, than by fear –

Speak gently! – let not harsh words mar

The good we might do here!

Speak gently! – Love doth whisper low

The vows that true hearts bind;

And gently Friendship’s accents flow;

Affections’s voice is kind.

Speak gently to the little child!

It’s love be sure to gain;

Teach it in accents soft and mild: -

It may not long remain.

Speak gently to the aged one,

Grieve not the care-worn heart;

The sands of life are nearly run,

Let such in peace depart!

Speak gently, kindly, to the poor;

Let no harsh tone be heard;

They have enough they must endure,

Without an unkind word!

Speak gently to the erring – know

They may have toiled in vain;

Perhance unkindness made them so;

Oh, win them back again!

Speak gently! – ‘tis a little thing

Dropped in the heart’s deep well;

The good, the joy, which it may bring

Eternity shall tell.

- A poem by David Bates

This poem of David Bates is part of my son's English Poetry in St. VII.

I had to do a project for him on great poets like R L Stevenson, Leo Tolstoy, Laura E Richards and David Bates.  I’d almost decided on Leo Tolstoy considering him a well renowed name and writer. However, when I was taking his studies this poem struck me as being the very essence of what I have come to believe in.  Speaking kindly!, even if the opposite person decides he wants to be rude and insult you to the core, never let your emotions get the better of you and show him that you are a better person.

You see life and situations don’t abide by any rules, however, there is a certainty that everyone will surely be handed out what they once dished out to others.  I’ve faced it many times and hence, it has humbled me to view life with a new perspective.   One can never ever tell what situation and circumstances we may face in future.  Presently, may be you are in charge and have tremendous power over those under you.  Tomorrow, things may not be the same.  But those you’ve treated with whatever, kindness or hatred will never forget.  In fact the most oppressed of the lot never forget their tormentors.  Because, emotions are remembered far more strongly than words.  Today, if one forgets themselves at the height of their power and wields it with arrogance or impunity, then karma has a funny way of catching up at the most unexpected of times. 

Never mind that people speak behind your back,judge you, make fun of you or bad mouth you to others (calumny).  Maybe you know that they do something that like and you have evidence of it.  Rather than choosing to confront speak kindly, be professional or atleast behave like one. Remember this saying, 

When a bird is alive... it eats ants. When the bird has died.... ants eat it. One tree can be made into a million matchsticks... but only one matchstick is needed to burn a million trees!
Circumstances can change at any time... Don't devalue or hurt anyone in this life.

So “speak gently”, a word of comfort or kindness, a shoulder to lean on.  Today, if you have power, use it to empower those who could benefit from it.  Give them what every human being desires freedom to think and act freely and responsibly without looking over their shoulders.  Believe me liberated personnel are far more capable of delivering a greater result than a one subjugated to harassment and pressure.  Today more than ever, individuals want a chance to exert their freedom, and they care two hoots about you or your arrogance, they would rather walk out than suffer in silence.  There are greener pastures to explore than to live on bread and water.

So speak gently, to the poor, the weak, the hyperactive, to the slow learner, to the timid, the elderly, to the hard of hearing, to the one with poor communication skills, to the stubborn child, the temperamental boss!  Everyone! You don’t loose anything by being nice.  But you can walk with your head held up high for being the better person.

Color..a stint at creative writing.

Ok, so I am taking this Writing Assignment to test my English writing skills.  I am no newbie to writing.  However, I sometimes need to feel the need to have approval from a specialist, especially where my grammatical and prose construction are concerned.  Now that I am here, and my topic is on "Colours", I need to let the creative juices flow and the get the better of me.

"Colours", what pops into my mind when I think of colours.  Well of course, who would know more about colour than a woman.  Her life is surrounded by colours.  I wouldn't say that men don't know about colours. Of course they do.  But, my many interactions with men have left me with the feeling that all shades of blue are just blue to men.  Well this isn't about gender rationalisations.  Instead let me focus on what importance and role does colour play in the life of a woman.  An Indian woman's life is surrounded by colours.  White for purity, red symbolising the wedded bliss, the vermilion on her forehead, the dedication to her suhaag, the green in her bangles, the indigo in her laundry, the yellow in her curries and the favourite maroon and magenta shades of her lipstick.

Colours surround every sphere of our monotonous humdrum life.  They fill our lives with vibrancy and ebullience.  I wonder what life would be without colour.  The searing blue of the sky on a cloudless day, the lush green foliage of a monsoon season,  the smell of the wet brown mud after the first shower of rains, brings to mind that sometimes colour accompanies sound and smell and has a mnemonic impact.  I am sometimes fascinated with the different blend of colours I see in nature.  Given that modern technology can replicate any shade of colour in a lab, from pan-tone to mid-tone to metallic to hues and what nots..nothing beats the innovation of nature.

Some of the most fascinating shades are seen in the colour of eyes, people of various nationalities have.  I have watched and marvelled at the depths and shades the colour of eyes reveal.  I am sometimes lost in the deep embers of colours and myriad shades of emeralds, turquoise and topaz.  I find eyes fascinating mirrors of our soul and the gateway of our emotional repertoire.  Then next in the order is foliage and flowers.  Those deep purples and gold, oh the hand of the Almighty and his creative presentation is truly ethereal and sublime.

I could go on and an about the beauty and the vibrancy of colour and it would not do enough justice.  So I'll end here, ever thankful for the fact that the Almighty has painted this universe and all its essence with so much colour and beauty, that his creation but marvel at its wonder :-)  If I find time, I'll come back and add to the above.  In the meantime, if you happen to read this post, my humble request would be to please correct me, so that I better my intermediate writing skills.:-)

Cheerio

Who holds your Happiness ransom?

I recently found out something so true about Happiness.  Usually when people post stuff onFacebook about some quotes and some sayings about happiness, we keep liking when agree to what is said. 

One of my dearest friend put this quote on her status "The person who makes you the happiest is usually the same person who is capable of hurting you the most."  I would have agreed to it had I not found out the hard way.

No one can make you happy or sad.  Only you can be the reason for your own happiness.  I recently met a priest who spoke to me for a long time about why people are happy or sad and then he added. You see you are trying to desperately fit into someone else's frame.  If you do not accept who you are and are not comfortable with that reality, anyone can hold your happiness ransom!  Let go..let people think what they want to.  They are not you and no one can live your life for you.

Bloody Hell!  He was 100% right.  My every waking moment was spent in how to keep everyone around me happy, even if that meant shutting up and bursting inside and wanting to explain etc.etc. etc.

Really, the day I heard this, my entire focus changed.  I realised with a renewed vision. I have to just be myself and love myself.  People are ranting and hurting and shouting and calling names because they want so desperately to change things about themselves which they cannot so they get into a control mode!  Like they do when they sit in front of a television.  It is all in the mind you see,  The mind is like a sponge, it absorbs everything that passes its senses.  It grabs and holds on to it, cause its our survival instinct to learn from external stimuli.  It is hard to train a hardwired brain into learn to cope and deal with stressors differently.  And mostly the stressors are those very people who you hold very close and whose opinion matters.  

While on this high, I saw people with a new light.  I felt an interior calm that helped me be unruffled even when the harshest words were thrown at me.  I simply smiled and thought "Wow!  someone is so not every right with themselves! Hence the volcano" and actually braved a smile, which angered the opposite person even more.

 Earlier I was a part of the feeling.  One with my stressor.  Whatever my stressor said or did was the opinion I subscribed too and felt involved with.  It is time to put a brake on this.

You are a different alive person, separate from everyone else and you have your space, your individuality.  People around you should know you for your individuality and what makes you different from others.  Whether they want to accept it or not is not your problem.  Because God did not create everyone alike.  And he has not asked you to abandon who you are.  He loves you because of who u are, faults and virtues included!

It's funny when you think about it.  But this cannot be achieved with the support of a friend or counsellor who can help you unload and make you see things from a renewed perspective.

It is these moments in life when you really need someone to accept you and pull you out without making judgements or advising you about what to do and what not to.  Just to listen! 

You know you've tried it all and somehow the experience has built a reserve of emotions just waiting to burst at the slightest tremor.

Thanks to my Lord, my moment came..a God sent moment, when I bowed my head in prayer and took the firm resolve that I will not let anyone ever hold my happiness ransom! Ever!

I hope and pray you find your moment too!  You will know when has arrived! Cheers!

Someone who shares the exact same mantra in life

I had been through a tough time recently, really really tough.  I thought I was facing a mountain and the tears in my eyes did not allow me to see beyond the mountain standing in my way.

Whatever I turned to did not help.  Then I met a saviour friend who told me to believe in myself and not to let anyone's judgement of me affect my functioning.  She reposed her faith in me and said "I believe in you, and I need you to believe in yourself".  But the saving grace as usual was my Jesus...who stretched out his hand and said "Come let's walk one day at a time". 

Tough the road seemed, putting behind me the various situations I think of the times I made a fool of myself and many stupid mistakes I made and the risk I took on unchartered territory, baring all and seeming like the misery would never end and not knowing what to do.  I dug deep and forged my road focusing on the ultimate goal in mind. I wrote down each experience in the book of life as a lesson learn't forever.  Guard up, chin up and faking a brave smile.  I had to win this time!

My post today is about how satisfying and rewarding it can be when someone from a renowned field of psychiatry can describe the very same ways in which I struggled to find myself.  It is uncanny to find her writing and read the words that occurred to you and that have been the stronghold on which you base your life. Ms. Kavetha Sundaramoorthy has written the below post and hence I quote her here.   The best points Point 6 and 7 are the ones that have really really helped me find my inner self because one needs during those moments in life to be patient with yourself and tell yourself that it really doesn't matter anymore what anyone thinks.  Having made mistakes is one way to make sure that you have tested your waters.  I would rather be humble make mistakes and stay grounded that I am human enough, rather than fall down and deep with an oversized ego.

Dare to Live: 10 Unconventional Ways to Be True to Yourself

“It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are.” ~E.E.Cummings

Have you ever had a clear sign of who you really are, and then totally ignored it?Maybe it required too much change, or taking a big risk. Maybe you were scared to have to convince a loved one how much you needed this.And so you rationalized that “it wasn’t the right time.”Convinced yourself to “be sensible and put it off for a while.”I know how this feels, because I did it too.

I was 21 then, and in my third year of medical school. We were in one of our first psychiatry classes and the professor was demonstrating to us a patient with conversion disorder.

I was hooked. In no other class had I been so completely absorbed. I fell in love with a big thud, reading everything I could on neuroscience and the brain.

Although exhilarating, in my mind, this was also a disaster.

You see, my dad was (and still is) a prominent eye surgeon who owned several hospitals and had been waiting to hand over his empire to me. My falling in love with psychiatry wasn’t part of this plan.

I was raised in a culture where kids obeyed their parents. No questions asked. Even more so if you are the first born; added points if you were female. Unluckily, I was both. And so I ignored the sign and buried my desires.

Then, tragedy hit and my mother unexpectedly died. And just like that, life was turned topsy turvy.

That’s when I realized that planning to fulfill obligations first, and then chase dreams, is an illusion. Even the heady immortality of youth is sobered by meeting death up so close. I developed this urgent, almost desperate need to be fully alive and true to myself in the time I had left on this earth.

It has been more than 10 years now since I took the plunge. I have become a board certified psychiatrist in the U.S, my siblings have grown and my dad and I have made up.

But I would not have changed this journey, difficult as it was in some ways, even if I had the chance. Because it taught me, through trial and lots of errors, how to become real.

Everyone’s journey is unique. And so this is in no way a generic prescription. These things happened to work for me and I share them with the hope that some may help you in your travels as well.

1. Cherish those special friendships.

I had (and still have) friends who knew and loved me unconditionally. This is truly invaluable. Make and keep good friends and be honest with them. They can be your moral compass during stormy times. Not just psychologically, but literally, like in share-her-last-sandwich-while-reading-poetry-on-long-afternoons kind of support.

2. Don’t hate those who stumble; we all do sometimes.

It would have been so easy, and actually it was, to hate my dad for a while. But as time passed, I was able to see his side too. This guy was so poor while growing up that he had only one meal a day and wore torn rags to school.

He had to sneak to elementary classes from his day job herding sheep. From there, he had risen to be one of the top surgeons in the country and built an empire. Me rejecting it felt personal, like I was rejecting him.

We all make mistakes. It’s part of being human. If you can, forgive and allow compassion into your relationships. It makes the ride more beautiful.

3. Take responsibility for your own life.

This is the beginning of self-esteem. Although stuff happens, ultimately you are responsible for your actions.

When we deeply and utterly understand that to be true, life takes on a whole new meaning. Whatever has happened until the past moment is gone. This present moment is again yours. And you have the power to do whatever you want with it.

4. Have a big vision and keep your goals aligned with your vision.

I struggled with this one for a while. First, I had no big vision. In fact, I didn’t even know what that meant. So my goals and actions went in circles for a while.

Make sure to know what kind of person you want to be and what kind of job/life you would like to lead. Then shape your short-term goals so it is moving you in that direction (or at least not away from it).

5. Remember that death makes life real.

In the words of Steve Jobs, “Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart.”

Death can come at any moment, to any of us. We don’t have forever to be who we are. In fact, we owe it to ourselves and those we love to be truly alive and authentic in each moment. It is the only legacy we can be proud to leave behind.

6. Don’t worry too much about making mistakes.

It is better to have tried and failed than to not have tried at all. Think and analyze your decisions carefully, but once you feel reasonably sure you have made a good choice, just trust yourself. Be bold and go forth into the wilderness.

Whatever happens, you will have gained an experience from it that only the courageous can boast of.

7. Know your strengths.

You are unique. There is only one you in this entire universe. No one has exactly your strange and magical mix of genes and experience. Learn what makes you tick. And keep building on that. You will make wonderful things happen.

8. Be kind to yourself.

We all mess up once in a while. When it happens and you finally catch on, drop your ego, admit your mistake fully, and make amends. Learn from it so you don’t repeat that same lesson again. Then forgive yourself and move on. Life is hard and we are not made to be perfect.

9. Be in the moment.

This present moment is alive and full of potential. Learning to be mindful has helped me tremendously by keeping me in my life, as it happens.

Whether you are playing, sleeping, working, lazing, watching TV, or hanging out with someone you love, give your awareness to it 100%. I highly recommend a daily mindfulness practice. It has changed the way I relate to life.

10. Don’t forget to laugh.

It has gotten me through many a sticky situation. And created hours of pure fun. Include as much good humor in your day as legally possible. And that’s a doctor’s order. :)

So dear readers and future friends, don’t wait to be who you are. You are special and there is a reason you are on this earth. No matter what your situation is, there is something you can do today to move toward your true self.

Dare to live; your dreams are counting on you.

The best 30 mins of my life

The best 30 mins of my life came on a day while at a meeting with a senior Vice President for an one on one discussion about Management Approachability.  The takeaway from this meeting has been so profound on me, hence I am writing these thoughts down.  Profound, because it dawned on me, if someone had taught me this mantra years ago, maybe I would have been able to find the fine balance in life that keeps one in the pinnacle of his / her growth curve always.

I cannot forget what he said.  He spoke of his personal experience and about the ability to "Switch on and Switch off" a quality he had learnt from his seniors and a quality he said was the hallmark of our first lady Prime Minister Mrs. Indira Gandhi.  He said "the mind is a powerhouse of thoughts, rushing an gushing and threatening to flood us".  It is we who need to find this balance in what we do with the flood of emotions.  One cannot take rational decisions with the various events happenings around us, and this quality of learning when the switch on and switch off can help us get into the moment face it and learn to move to the next one, without loosing our composure and balance.  This ability can also help us learn to break free from emotions that can drain us down.  We must have all heard in various training and various reading material that we must learn to deal with out emotions.  But this quality is so unique I find so appealing.  He also told me something valuable.  Only a sensitive person can be a creative person.  Because that you would require you to feel what you are doing and to think in the terms required for you bring forth ideas.  Having said that, when we know that our sensitivity can affect the decisions we take on behalf of the organisations or make decisions that can have disastrous effects on a third person, we cannot afford to be like that.  The answer is to live in the moment and stay grounded and not get carried away.  Moving in and out of situations by composing yourself can help you feel in control of your situation and not let someone else have that control.

He gave an example of Mrs. Indira Gandhi in specific.  This was during the India-Pak War.

Indira Gandhi was once giving an important interview.  This was at the time of the Indo-Pak war.  While at the interview Indira Gandhi was answering a journalist's question.  She received an important telephone call.  She excused herself and went to another room to attend the call and after finishing the call came back and continued with the interview once again.  The journalist who was interviewing her, did not suspect anything from her outward demeanour.  It was not until the next day when he heard the news that Indian troops had entered Karachi and that the phone call Mrs. Gandhi received while they were at interview was none other than the Indian Army General who had called to ask her if they should capture Karachi or withdraw their troops.

Mrs. Gandhi had taken such a crucial and important decision while at an interview, in such a seemingly composed manner and returned back to her interview without so much as a slightest sweat on her brow.  Truly Mrs. Gandhi was an amazing person and a great leader India will miss.

This episode, Sir, explained, was about the composed manner in which Mrs. Gandhi was able to take her decision because she was in control of her emotions and could think rationally.  Needless to say interviews can be very straining, one can easily loose composure at the pesky and offensive questions of the interviewers which are sometimes meant to get under your skin.  Alas, this had no effect whatsoever on Mrs. Gandhi and its showed, how she handled herself and the country.

He went on to say that, when I am the trustee of someone's finances or resources, I have to be able to compose myself to take a rationale decision.  This calls for separation of the emotions from the decision.  It is not something which happens overnight, but is a conscious decision one makes

In today's world people want to see at the brighter side of things, at someone who offers hope.  He said "People want to see the sunrise, because it brings with it the down of a new hope, a fresh start, which people look forward to.  No one wants to see the sunset, because it reminds them of things that have ended or that are not fruitful"

"Even in the way the modern society is forming, people have to live up to the aspirations and needs of their family members.  Children look to their parents. A man is now measured on how successful and evolved he is in life today! To achieve this and meet the aspiration of his family members and relatives he need to perform.  Performance is based on rational he is in his thinking".  To be rational he needs to be a person in control of him emotions.  To be in control does not mean he suppresses his emotions but rather that he is remain unimpacted and guarded from the swings each situation can bring about.  He should be able to handle an extremely stressful situation and yet not let it affect/depress/frustrate him or to move to a joyful and successful event and yet not get carried away that he is lost to the next moment.  In short don't take anything to your head. Live in the moment.

However, having said that, learning to control the mind and learning to practice Switch On/ Switch off requires a lot of practice. But these words were very very profound and taught me such an important aspect of learning to deal with my emotional state.

I am working on this and maybe the coming days will bear witness to how well I've learnt.